In an email to a friend-
I had a dream last night that I had a straight boyfriend, and he was tall and bearded and I liked him very, very much. He wasn’t much of a talker and he smelled like an old plaid sleeping bag, the kind that zips down the side and folds into a rectangle. We lived in the woods and we were really happy, every now and then we talked about what books we liked to read but mostly we didn’t say much.
If you’re thinking about straight guys in the forest, and there’s no-one around to see it, are you still gay?
And this is my friend’s response-
No, you lose all rights and privileges enjoyed by real gays, because Gay God (who has no straight friends, a dog, and attends ALL the gay dance nights all over world, simultaneously, like santa clause but with booze instead of milk) knows and sees all. Even in the forest, where there are considerably less dance nights. Just kidding. I think you’re even more gay. I have to confess now that I get a warm, fuzzy feeling in my stomach whenever I meet a burly, deep-chested guy. I think about how hugging him would be like trying to reach your arms around the biggest tree trunk in the woods, only much softer. Bonus points if he smells like sweat or wood shavings. Or maybe even a flannel sleeping bag.