There's no explosion of flowers in the sonoran desert right now; this last year has been too dry and many of the plants are waiting, saving their energy, hoping the weather turns. The ocotillos are still going off tho, the palo verdes are blooming yellow, the saguaros are making their nubbins. In february I was hit with super intense depression and fatigue; well beyond what I consider my "normal" amount of struggles. Nothing that I usually do to manage my mental health was helping, and it just went on and on. I was scared and humbled. Two very dark months later, I completed the covid vaccine and within a day, the fog of fatigue and depression lifted and was gone. It's been two weeks now and it's still gone; I'm back to my normal self, which is not without difficulties but it's a way of being I understand, a way of being I know how to manage. Turns out that the vaccine has been helping a lot of people with lingering covid symptoms, or "long covid", and in retrospect I think that's what I had. We don't yet know why. I've linked to some articles about this in my "vaxxx" highlight, or you can google it. I wanted to give this update in case you, too, have been struggling with "extra" fatigue, depression etc recently that is well beyond what you usually experience; if your issues are related to long covid then the vaccine might help you too. I'm stoked to be feeling my regular again; suffused with pleasure in the mornings, sleepy in the afternoon, grumpy by bedtime. Waves of anxiety that I love to make worse by drinking too much caffeine, chronic insomnia that I approach with kindness and resignation. Soon I'll leave the sweet spring heat of the sonoran dez to drive to Alaska for the summer, like some sort of fossil-fuel dependant migratory bird. As long as my van makes it. And Canada lets me in. Fingers crossed!
I haven't "traditionally" published much of anything before and now this long wait until The Sunset Route releases in July has me d y i n g with anticipation and happy, frantic dread- there should be a word for the fear and anxiety you feel when something might go right- I feel like a sheet of glass that could shatter and I often think abt how dogs can't tell the difference btwn human excitement and human anxiety and maybe there is no difference, esp when yr nearing middle age and yr adrenals are shot. Anyway I'm actually totally fine, just probs had too much caffeine today, my life this winter is very quiet and very good, all the yellow and orange flowers are blooming in my neighborhood and I can't focus on anything and I'm in love with the world and also sad often but in a beautiful way, perhaps that's the best it ever gets. I hope you're finding pleasure or at least the anticipation of pleasure, in your dreams, I can't wait for the collective catharsis that will come after this panny is over
Some humans have wanted for centuries to prove that time has a directional arrow- that the future is unknown, becomes the present, ends, and moves behind us. We've used entropy- the fact that things become more disordered- as an argument in support of this. In 2009, some scientists argued in a paper that the arrow of time can be explained in terms of quantum mechanical entanglement. As a physical system becomes entangled with its surroundings, the paper said, it moves closer to equilibrium. This one-way evolution determines time’s arrow.
In September I had the pleasure of spending a week at the ghost town turned freaky queer artist residency of Cisco, Utah ( @bigtroublelittlecisco ). It was one of the more aesthetically sublime experiences of my life. Eileen and pals have made so much magic from junk and trash on the high desert plain, where the only thing that grows is cheatgrass and the wind blows ceaselessly. And where the light is always perfect. In Cisco I felt as though I was outside of time, or in the future. I was thinking of Cisco today, and that perfect light, and figured I'd post these. Maybe they'll make u feel good the way they make me feel good.🌌
Young adult novels, here I come!
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Thank you for your comment about my writing on my blog. 😉
Carrot,
I’m in a sad sad mood and I came home and right away checked to see if you’d written a blog entry, I love getting caught up in your words. Please write more, all the time.
Heh. I just did mine and got junior high too. Just goes to show you what good a degree in literature does ya. 🙂
I think maybe it’s because I say ‘fuck’ so much.