Anxiety on top of anxiety.

I fly south to San Diego from Portland in three weeks, and all of my irrational fears about the trail (something is going to go horribly wrong, the trail is going to turn into a wall of fire, western civilization is going to collapse into a police state RIGHT when I get to Campo and/or I have cancer) along with all the things I still need to do (shop for and make my resupply boxes, sell my van, purge my things, somehow get my resupply boxes to Portland, renew my passport, where will I store my stuff? And why hasn’t my pack arrived yet?) are hanging over me, crushing me into a sort of immobility where the only thing I WANT to do is read online trailjournals via the PCT journalist and obsess about last-minute wardrobe changes, for example-

Should I wear these shorts?

galaxyAnd where can I find THIS?


I don’t remember being this anxious last year but then we don’t remember these sorts of things, do we. I think I slept a whole half hour the night before my flight out of Portland so I must’ve been feeling SOMETHING.

I changed my start date to April 25th- I’d planned on going to kickoff and then I realized that it didn’t make sense to just hang around for another week after that, waiting to start. So I fly into San Diego on the 24th and on the 25th I’ll hike from Campo to kickoff.

Also, I have an instagram now! I’m going to put a bunch of photos there during my hike. Although I don’t know why I gave myself more things to do on the internet. I spend too much time on the internet. At least I’m not, like, a heroin addict? And thru-hiking breaks my addiction, at least for as long as I’m on the trail. It’s one of the BEST things about it. Although I do have withdrawals in the beginning. I remember last year I was laying around in the heat of the day and my thoughts were opening into each other like browser windows, and I felt this sort of aching…

Thought- why is women’s outdoor clothing always in toddler colors? For fucking serious. Do they really think that adult women want to look like toddlers? Seafoam green? Salmon? Periwinkle? Really? Really? It’s fucking depressing.

Also, do you know I have this fantasy where I eat a blackberry pie over and over, into infinity?

Here are a few of the trail journals I’ve been reading- I think they show real promise re: entertainment value and I’ll probably keep reading them on the trail, desperately stabbing at my phone on ridgetops, trying to get a signal.

Korbi! His blog is SO GOOD SO FAR. His current tendonitis may be a total bummer for him, but in a larger sense it’s actually functioning as an awesome literary technique called INTRODUCING DOUBT, aka I AM SO ADDICTED TO THIS BLOG BECAUSE I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS and whether or not he emerges triumphant.

Slow Bro, aka Gentlemen Doctor Writes In His Journal And It’s Wonderful For Everyone.

Berlynn. I just want to know what happens on the trail.

James. Because he’s heartfelt, vulnerable, sincere… and because he’s carrying a camp chair that weighs 1.5 pounds. I just… I just want to see what happens.

NotaChance. She last hiked the PCT in 2012, and her 2012 journal was my favorite, favorite, FAVORITE journal that I read before my 2013 hike. I was so inspired by her- her no-fucks-given writing style, her sense of humor, her gear list! She gave me hope that maybe, contrary to the demographics of the online hiking forums, where the same five trolls man-splained every thread into the ground, there would be lots of smart, badass, fearless women on the trail. And it was true! This year NotaChance is hiking the trail again, for the FOURTH TIME. And not only that, but we’re starting on the SAME DAY. Read her journal! EVERYBODY WINS.

UPDATE: Wait, I found another good one! This guy Rob! And he’s already started!!

There are probably so many other really good journals that I don’t even know about. If I wasn’t already hiking I’d most likely spend the whole summer glued to my computer, reading them. …So it’s probably better that I’m hiking.

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28 thoughts on “procrastination/anticipation

  1. My DG gaiters are the same pattern as those shorts. Had I known of their existence I would totally have jumped on that, so my vote is yes on those babies. Also, you start 10ish days after me but maybe by some miracle I see you out there?

    • Ekwillis- Who knows! The trail is strange- likely we will run into each other somewhere. Esp. if you are slow at first and I am exceptionally fast. Godspeed on your hike!

  2. Lol you are such a raw human being!
    FYI this is how I feel about the shit you write. My saddest day last year was when you stopped posting to finish your sojourn. And one of the best was when you showed back up to your moldy trailer to find your words again,

  3. I’m loving The Journalist, what a great way to get my fix each day and add some favorite bloggers to my list. I like NotAChance’s style, hope she keeps it up.

    You better stop procrastinating, that’s a long list girl and only 3 weeks . . .or maybe most things aren’t supposed to be done? Pack your crap in the van, park the van in someone’s garage or yard or . . ., two things taken care of 🙂

  4. Anxiety can be good! Sometimes. Thanks for the links, I need to live vicariously through you adventure folk this summer more than ever.

  5. Hurtling along the freeway through Utah right now back to Bellingham after a 7 day backpack in the canyons and am so excited for you, hiking the trail again this year. It must, at times, feel like you have pulled off an amazing coup.

    I am so looking forward to your posts and photos. I’m glad that you don’t have to be a sort of slave to it this year.

    You go Carrot!

    • Randy- It sounds like you had an awesome trip! Although commenting while hurtling down the freeway = exciting but a little dangerous, no?
      My whole life is an amazing coup!

  6. Thank you for providing the links to other trail journals! Makes your journal even richer as a source. Fascinating to see how different people can take different approaches to the same goal.

  7. I have a pair of leggings reminiscent of those shorts, but with cats blasting through space. They are fantastic. Wear the galaxy shorts!

    I spend way too much time on the internet too, so thank you for recommending some great trail blogs to keep me entertained while I miss the opportunity to hike the trail for myself for ANOTHER season.

    You rule!

  8. There’s a good article in the latest Inc. magazine about how companies are learning to let women do the design and marketing for women’s products. Quite interesting how gender fucked the world is. I’ll be looking forward to your posts and consider keeping the van. Fulltiming fits very well with your trajectory, it seems.

  9. Oh great. Now I have even more blogs to stalk while struck with self-induced insomnia. Thanks alot. And, ummmmm, YES on those shorts. Amazeballs!

    As for women’s fitness gear. I struggle with this all the time while shopping. It’s either getting something seafoam green or salmon pink, etc, or be boring -and go with brown or black. So I understand your struggle. I’m starting to see some brands come out with some fun colors and prints though, like Kyodan. That’s more towards yoga/pilates apparel but still.

    Let me know if you need anything when you come through Agua Dolce. Would be more than happy to help. I work nearby.

  10. Carrot, my bravado is out of control!

    Thanks for the shout out, I look forward to meeting you!

  11. Carrot, Thanks for the shout out! I have enjoyed reading your TrailJournal off and on for months now. Your writing style is like no other, and you tell it like it is. Your use of F bombs make me laugh every time. Hope to see you at KO The Chair and I will be there…
    I say yes to the shorts.

  12. “why is women’s outdoor clothing always in toddler colors? For fucking serious.” I love the way you express yourself! Your blog is the best>

  13. Carrot, I haven’t planned on going to Kickoff, but plans have a tendency to change during this wacky adventure, so we’ll see what happens.

  14. HI Carrot, Just for fun check out youtube. Hike Faster and Bees in my Pants: CDT Edition. TBW Productions.
    Have a great hike.

  15. yay so glad you are doing good wonderful things on the internet that good wonderful data stream which will carry you effortlessly to be a person on a trail boom boom !! yes you should wear those shorts! yes everything that will be will be!!!

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