And it is very humbling
Because I am surrounded by 18 year-olds,
recent immigrants
people whose first language is not English
women who have children
and they are all better at school than me.


In its place is stubbornness and ego,
and then I feel discouraged.


And sometimes I feel alienated and sorry for myself.
Why am I the only one suffering?


And I am bad at time management.
this is not my fault,
but I must learn to work with what I have.

9 thoughts on “NOTES

  1. Persistence can come from ego and the stubborn desire not to quit. Anyone who sees the world differently will feel alienated no matter what kind of pond they’re swimming. I lucked out that, in high school, I had byrdee to help me and understand me. I think if you reach out you’ll discover that more than a few people get you, you just don’t go to skool with them. Getting through skool is tough at this age. You really can only do it for something you truly believe. Which is why you’re going to succeed!

  2. April!
    You are so nice!
    I’m having a hard time in chemistry. But so does everyone? And my school has 27 thousand students. And there are 400 people in my chemistry class! And since it’s my first time in college, me having a hard time is bringing up all sorts of feelings of failure, etc. Especially as I identify as somewhat who is Smart, and also I’m a first generation college student, and also much older than 18. But now I am over that! I am not smart! I am a lowly human, incapable of internalizing meaningless chemical equations! I am sure you are more than familiar with this struggle, since you went to medical school. You are very tough!

  3. you and me both, buddy. don’t stop. this is the bumpy transition time. the learning curve. don’t beat yourself up. we all know you are a gay genius. don’t forget it.

  4. Carrot, it might look like everyone else is doing so much better than you, but believe me, it only looks that way. I totally understand where you’re coming from–I was in the same situation (at the same school you’re going to, actually): I was so shocked by how smart and talented everyone else was, totally lost confidence and felt weak and like a failure, and it took dropping out and running off to Alaska and doing several years worth of odd jobs and traveling and finally returning to school three years ago, but what I figured out was that there’s no secret trick. To get something done, you just have to keep doing it. You don’t have to be the best at school, you don’t have to do anything big or dramatic. You just keep pushing at it, and time goes by, and you make progress. School can be an awesome place, for some people it is, and for others, it’s a hoop you just have to jump through if you want a degree. Once you have it, you have it, and you can do whatever you want.

    Good luck whatever you choose to do, just know that you can’t fail. You’re alive and you have things in your life that make you happy, so you’re a success.

  5. Aw, don’t beat up on yourself! Try turning those negative comments into positive statements, it feels a lot better! You’re not the only one suffering, I’m sure lots of people feel the same way. 🙂



Comments are closed.