April 20
Mileage: 20
484 miles hiked

It’s cold af in the woods where we are and our sleeping bags are damp with condensation and the full moon is so painful silver-bright and supposedly there are mountain lions and I sleep so, so well. Except I dream that I inherit the one-story brick house my grandparents used to live in and the house is so full of ghosts, secret sadnesses and unresolved hurts that I am driven mad and I weep for the rest of my life.

Today we walk through Bryce; not the hoodoos & spires part of Bryce but below the canyon rim in the ponderosa manzanita forest with its yellow gravel soil and sunshine and chickadees saying cheeseburger, cheeseburger. All day the trail climbs and descends steeply, contouring between 7,000 and 9,000 feet. This feels hard, almost embarrassingly so- the Hayduke so far has been lots of bouldering and canyoneering and walking for miles in flat deep sand. What is this steady slow ascending and descending?

As I walk, I think about whether I ever want to have children. I don’t think having kids is necessary to feel as though one has lead a full life. There is so much to do/learn/study, so many ways to grow. So much to be done and undone. But I’m here for human embodiment, and I want the full ride. Having kids seems like part of that? Maybe. But honestly I probably won’t. I dunno.

Also, maybe western civilization will collapse within my lifetime, and so having kids is a really, really bad idea? Seem likely.

Camp is next to a piped spring in the forest at 7,000 feet. We’re cowboy camping again! The full moon hangs in the pine boughs and in the shadows the stick-breakers lurk, waiting for us to fall asleep so they can dance around us in a circle…

Photos on instagram